


I Want to Be Well

by propinquitous



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s10e11 There's No Place Like Home, Ficlet, Gen, Mark of Cain, References to Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:44:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3246764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/propinquitous/pseuds/propinquitous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if there's no way to save me?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want to Be Well

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry," Dean says. He sets a can of seltzer next to Sam's laptop and sits down next to him.

"For what?" Sam's voice is a little absent, his focus trained on the screen. _For what now?_ echoes in between them. Still, he turns and faces Dean.

Dean cracks open his own water and takes a sip.

"For not, you know." He clears his throat. Sam waits. "For not being there like I should've. Back when. You know, with Ruby and the blood. I shouldn't've locked you up like that. I shouldn't have-"

"Dean, it's okay." Sam's voice is gentle. His chest aches. It's not okay, not really. There will always be a part of him that feels equal parts betrayed and untrustworthy, a part that will never forgive and never be forgiven.

Dean looks down and clenches his jaw, but he doesn't say anything. His hand shakes when he takes another drink.

Sam listens to the faint fizzing sound from the can and waits for Dean to speak.

Dean does not look at him.

Sam thinks that Dean understands more than he has said.

"I know you did what you thought was right," Sam finally says, "I know that you did what you did because you thought it was the only way to save me." Dean looks up. There is more silence, then, a series of moments that pass in rough waves.

"What if there's no way to save _me_?"

For a brief second, Sam's mind runs through his most bitter, unfair thoughts, the ones that live in the rusted places, the parts of him that wonder if maybe he should've said yes, if none of it was worth it, if maybe they'd all be better off. He inhales, feels his chest expand with relief. Then he turns his chair so that his whole body faces Dean and lays his hands, palms up, on his knees.

"Dean, there is," Sam says and pauses again. He wants to make himself clear. "I think the difference is that you have to save yourself." He leans forward a little, trying to see Dean's face where he's covered it with his palms. He watches as Dean clenches his jaw over and over and his bottom lip starts to quiver.

"I'll be here for you," Sam says, "but I can't save you." He hopes his voice is as clear as it needs to be.  
  
Dean nods. He grabs for Sam's hand. His grip is bruising, and Sam rubs his thumb over Dean's knuckles.

"It's gonna be okay."


End file.
